Parenting is a journey. Children don’t come with a manual. Nature has a way of preparing us for the beautiful life that we are bringing to the world. A woman falls pregnant for 9 months and give birth in the tenth month, and in those 9 months, the baby grows and develops in different stages. What nature doesn’t tell us is that in those 9 months a mother also grows and develops in the same way. A woman doesn’t just wake up and becomes a mother, it’s a process that happens. It’s important to acknowledge and embrace it.

I remember when I fell pregnant with my daughter. I wanted to prepare for her arrival. I wanted her to find everything ready and waiting for her. I fell in-love with her before I even met her. I knew I wanted what was best for her. Parenting comes with choices and decisions.

We don’t know the kind of child we will be bringing into this world but we know what we want them to have. As parents we already have a picture of the kind of life we want them to have. The dreams we have for them. Parenting is hard because there is no do-over, we just have to do what we can and hope for the best.

When a child is born they rely on us for everything. They can’t verbally express themselves however they try to communicate through tears. As parents we learn to listen and respond to the tears.  As time goes by we start to understand and translate the tears and as a result, we respond more spontaneously to their needs. In the mist of all of this we try to give the best at all times.

In the infancy stage a baby learns unconsciously. They learn that when they make a noise you respond. They learn and develop trust towards their caregivers. They establish who responds when they are in need and they automatically learn to depend and trust that person. This is a very crucial stage. Trust is built, love develops and relationships are built. Physically the baby grows and develops steadily. Stimulation is important to help the baby reach the necessary milestones. Stimulation is necessary to help the baby reach their full potential to the best of their abilities.

The environment plays a crucial role in a child’s life. It’s important to have a vision for your child and keep that vision in place when you make choices and decisions for your children. They rely on you as the parent to do what is best for them.

These were the non-negotiables I had in my vision for my daughter:

1. When I had my first child I wanted her to be unique. I grew up with straightened hair. My first priority was to make sure her hair had no chemicals. I wanted her to be independent, well-spoken (multilingual), confident, disciplined and well educated. I basically wanted her to be the best version of herself. I knew my child was the first of her kind. I needed to embrace her and I accepted that it was my duty as a mother to do what is best for her. My first responsibility was making sure that I find a good helper in the house. The environment is very important, the helper had to understand that she needed to be stimulated at all times. I was a full- time mom, I wanted to be there as the primary care-giver.

2. Give her the best education. Growing up in the townships I didn’t realise how broad education is. I only knew traditional schooling and I didn’t want that for my child. We had the opportunity to go to Ghana where I had to research the different ways of teaching and schooling. I came across Montessori which blended with my vision for independence. I knew it would help mould her into the best version of herself.

3. Well spoken and multilingual. Language was a factor as I wanted her to be well spoken, however my husband is Xhosa and I speak Sepedi. I was raising a child in a foreign country so she was exposed to English most of the time. The father wanted her to speak isiXhosa, so he spoke to her in Xhosa. I spoke to her in Sepedi and English, the helper spoke to her in English, the school exposed her to French and English. This caused a delay in her spoken language. I then decided to stick to English and her talking improved.

My vision for well-spoken included her being multilingual. I accepted my challenges and embraced them. I realised that children deal with relevance. Things have to be relevant in their lives for them to want to learn them. In the house the only person that spoke Xhosa was her dad, the only person that spoke Sepedi was me however we both understood and spoke English. In her eyes IsiXhosa and Sepedi were not relevant. In the bigger picture, both languages were not going to make much of a difference in her growth and development. We continue to speak both languages in the house but we allow her to respond in English. We are communicating and that’s what matters.

4. A confident child.  Children struggle with confidence when they see their parents struggling with it. They feed from their primary care givers. I had straightened hair but I wanted her to grow an afro. She didn’t like her afro because it didn’t look like my hair. I noticed this and decided to go natural. I learnt to look at me through her eyes. If I wanted her to be confident I had to be confident. I learnt to embrace the things I wanted her to embrace. I became her biggest cheerleader. I supported her decisions and made an effort to understand her choices. This was one of my main challenges as a mother. Naturally, I don’t speak too much, when I walk into a new environment I prefer to stay in my own corner and observe. I didn’t want that for my child. I wanted her to walk into a room and own it. So I learned to own my space. I learned to be the person I wanted her to become.

5. Discipline for resilience.  Discipline was one of my main things that I wanted my children to have. I believe that discipline is one of the things that get us through life. It is crucial for my children to be well mannered and humble. I had to teach her to make choices. To follow through with what they chose. This started with the simple choices of clothes to wear. I needed her to understand that she can’t always get what she wanted. I needed her to appreciate what she has. She had to eat what was provided and be appreciative unless she is allergic. We come from families that are not so advantaged, I needed her to be able to embrace every situation.

In the beginning, I had a vision of who and what I wanted her to be. I have learnt that as much as I had my own way of doing things it is important for me to adapt to a new way of doing things. I have learnt that a child is an individual just like me. As much as I have a vision for her she also has a vision for herself. She knows what works for her and it is important for me to listen, understand and embrace it. I have learnt that the picture is not always black and white. The grey shade exists, the rainbow colours help to bring out the beauty in the white colour.

When learning and training to be Montessori teacher I learned the following that helped me be a better mother:

1. A child needs to grow fully as an individual. They need to grow physically, emotionally, socially and intellectually. To help them grow physically they need to go out and play, climb, run and explore all their senses outside.
2. For emotional growth to happen they need to explore the different feelings and emotions. They need to interact with other people and children in order to grow socially.
3. When they ask questions they develop their intellectual ability. Questions need to be answered. It is important to also state when you don’t know and to go look for the answer with the child.
4. I have learnt that being well educated doesn’t always mean being academic. I learnt that being well educated means being able to apply what you have learnt.
5. I have learnt to be more present in the moment.
6. I have learnt that when fixing a puzzle, it is important to try the other pieces. In life we need to always try. Quitting is never an option.

I can confidently say my child is well educated and we are continuing to work on our vision for her together.

Every child is different. Every child is unique.