Personal lessons from having two children under the age of two

According to the World Health Organization (WHO) it is estimated that “…roughly 10% of pregnant women and 13% of new mothers suffer from mental disorders mainly depression, with developing countries being affected even to a greater extend with up to 15.6% and 19.8% respectively. These mothers can be severely affected leading to suicidal thoughts and actions.”

I personally believe these numbers have risen following the global pandemic and this is an issue we need to look at urgently as it affects the development of the children we are raising with long lasting effects

Maternal health problems, especially maternal mental health problems such as depression which we will focus on in this article, can negatively impact mother-child bonding, parenting quality and child development.

A mentally healthy childhood can be a precursor to a healthy and productive adulthood. Children’s development can be affected by socio-economic and emotional circumstances. Other factors include the home environment, quality of relationships between a child’s parents, the support system that is available to a family and the general health and wellbeing of the child’s primary care-givers.

Maternal mental health difficulties are also associated with a mother’s socio-economic circumstances that is those who experience poverty, abuse and deprivation of some sort were more likely to experience brief and repeated mental health problems. This is a reality in South Africa as a huge percentage of households are headed by women and most of them struggle financially to provide for their children and depend on the government child grant.

Children’s development is also affected by a number of social factors, including maternal age, educational level, income, employment and family characteristics.

Pregnancy, mother’s wellbeing & child’s wellbeing

I found out I was pregnant with my second just a few days after my daughter’s first birthday, yes it was not planned. I had mixed feelings about this pregnancy, instead of it being a joyous moment, I was more anxious more than anything. It was exactly two months after most of the world had gone into lockdown. I was not working and so was my husband, I had no domestic help, no support from family and very sick.

‘A single hand cannot nurse a child.’ – Swahili proverb

I was looking forward to her first birthday and had activities lined up that I would have loved to do with her and here I was sick not being able to do the basics for her. I felt a strong feeling of guilt that I wasn’t able to fully be present for her and developmentally she needs me as these are the critical years in development. The more I felt helpless and guilt the more

depressed I became and this did not help our situation at all. My being depressed affected every one that is myself, my daughter, my husband and my unborn child – nurturing starts in the womb.

‘The strength of a mother is in the ears and on the lips.’ – Mali proverb

As the pregnancy progressed I became even more sick, more depressed and I took my frustrations out on my little one by shouting, I just didn’t have the patience and she also reacted by being very ‘naughty’. The moment some sectors of the economy were opened my husband was out most of the time and I spent most of the time at home alone with my little one which aggravated the situation, I felt overwhelmed and burdened by own child. I was not able to stimulate her physically, in language, and anything at all which at this stage she really needs.

DID YOU KNOW?

•  That hormonal changes during pregnancy can result in depressive episodes or the so called ‘mood swings’ and that some women are severely affected needing clinical intervention.
•  That 10-17% of all deliveries are followed by a depressive episode that would be regarded as indicative of clinical depression, although this may never come to the attention of health professionals.
•  That a woman is more likely to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital in the three month period following childbirth than at any other time in her life.

Effects of poor maternal mental health on child development

Maternal mental health is closely associated with a child’s own mental health and has far reaching effects. A psychologically well-adjusted mother imparts the same to her children. Research has proven that some mental disorders in adulthood are a result of exposure to poor maternal mental health or poor parenting in childhood.

Maternal mental health problems in the first year after a birth are often associated with poor mental development and to a large extent

predicted future difficulties in learning.

•  It can also delay or affect language development.
•  Maternal mental health can affect children’s emotional well-being and their cognitive and behavioral development.
•  Social development is also affected by poor maternal mental health as children learn how to properly relate to others firstly from their mothers and family and every other relationship formed after that is mostly a reflection of their first experiences. There is evidence in the research that depressed mothers may be less responsive than mentally healthy mothers to their infants’ efforts to engage with them and that this, in turn, affects the strength of infants’ attachment to the mother and depending on severity and length of exposure can bring about childhood mental disorders.
•  Poor maternal mental health affects the future ability of a child to develop resilience and coping mechanisms. How to cope There is a belief that motherhood is a natural phenomenon and everything will just fall into place and you will somehow know what to do. Nobody ever talks of the challenges and how to cope even worse society does not acknowledge that maternal mental health is a real issue. So often times now in the news we have heard or seen mothers that have done terrible things to their own children and all society sees is a horrible monster because maternal instincts should prevent that from ever happening, right? – Wrong. I am in no way condoning such acts but raising awareness to this fact and that these acts could have been avoided had support been in place. Traditionally, in many African cultures a first time mother is sent back to her family to get support and in the process taught maternal duties and also a young mother expecting another one can summon a sister or an aunt or even your own mother to come help you. These practices make sure that a mother is fully

supported and can reduce the risk of maternal mental health problems. Family dynamics and structures are changing and this has a direct effect on matters like these.

•  The first important step in solving any problem is to accept that you have a problem and that you need help.
•  Secondly talk about it, of course to the people that matter, if you feel you need clinical intervention – get it! Mental disorders are real and by talking about it you are symbolically taking the problem ‘out of you’ and putting it ‘out there’; this process helps you to devise solutions for the problem.

‘In a moment of crisis, the wise build bridges and the foolish build dams.’ – Nigerian Proverb

•  It is unfortunate that the global pandemic has severely impacted us so much that families can’t even visit each other because if you are in a situation like mine or are simply not coping as a mum you need all the support you can get. However mobilize your own support network even if it is not physical contact. I have family and friends that I reached out to and they check up on me every now and then – a video call or just a call with supportive individuals is therapeutic.
•  Accept that you cannot control everything – I did not plan my second pregnancy and yet I am blessed to have my son! A lot of things will happen over the lifespan and you will not have control over it and that’s Ok. Put in your best and that is what matters, a positive outlook will help you in planning and coming up with solutions.
•  If you cannot afford domestic help and you have a husband or a partner, get them to take up some responsibilities off your shoulders whether it is cooking, playing with the children, bathing the children etc. it actually makes a huge difference. Remember to also talk about it/communicate with them so they understand what you are going through so they can support you better. So you want to know how I am faring now with a 21 months old and a 2 months old…..well fairly well! I wake up in the morning before my husband gets out, I exercise, meditate and center myself through affirmations. I make time every day to play and stimulate the older child and she is doing well. I actually feel much better now, I have started slowly going back to doing some work, some days are better than others but we push through.

We desire to bequest two things to our children, the first one is roots; the other one is wings.’ – Sudanese Proverb

Talent Adamson Behaviour Therapist

BA (Health and Social Services) Applied Psychology,

BA Hon (HSS) Psychological Counselling – (UNISA