In Psychology the term self-identity is used to refer to how a person define themselves; it is one’s perception of specific and selective qualities, abilities, aspirations, characteristics and other personal identifiers that represent them. An individual has numerous attributes i.e. physical attributes, internal characteristics (beliefs, values etc.), personality traits, social roles and other external attributes related to others. It is a combination of all of these factors that make up a unique self-identity.

Self-identity is also touched in great detail in Philosophy, it is said to refer to existential questions about ourselves that arise by virtue of our existence and trying to find meaning in our lives. Questions that include such subjects like the nature of self-knowledge (who am I? what is my life purpose?), the individual will to name a few. It is interesting to note that children have a lot of these interesting questions in their quest to find meaning and weave their own identities.

Side Note: Others use personal identity and self-identity interchangeably others think there is a difference between them. The ones who differentiate the two puts forward their argument as, personal identity refers to the unique intrinsic traits of an individual whilst self-identity is comprised of a more deliberate effort by the individual to define themselves even against their own intrinsic traits. Self-identity is how they perceive themselves and how they want to be perceived by others. Other similar concepts are self- image and self-concept. In this article we will refer and discuss self-identity and personal identity as a different identity altogether (see below for further explanation).

Just for informational purposes you can also check Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development of personality. He puts forward eight stages of development through the life span. He mentions self-identity and identity confusion as being central during adolescence (stage 5). Later researches that departs from the same school of thought actually found self-identity to be a central theme across the whole life span not just the teenage years, which makes it important and as such parents and caregivers need to be deliberate in instilling values that contribute to a positive self-identity.

There is an interplay of multiple identities that come together to form the self-identity for example:

Personal Identity

One of the first steps toward developing a self-identity kicks in at about 18 months (toddlerhood) when a child is able to recognize themselves in a mirror. As they acquire language you will notice they first refer

to themselves in the third person, “Tipp is not hungry!” which is an understanding that they are an individual, autonomous entity. They also start using pronouns like “me,” “my,” and “mine.” As most parents will attest these moments of self-declared ownership are not always easy, but they are proof personal identity is kicking in. It is mostly at this stage that the child’s traits are more pronounced for the first time and this presents parents and caregivers the opportunity to help the emerging person build a positive self-identity from their emerging personal identity.

Gender Identity

From about two – two and a half years of age children begin to develop a gender identity through the internalizing of messages and cues in the environment about gender and begin to identify as a boy or a girl. They may even develop strict rules based on these about what they wear or do, what toys to play with, the colors they prefer, hairstyles etc. so that they are consistent with their emerging gender identity. These “rules” will soften over time as children are exposed to various experiences but they still will naturally gravitate to things and activities that they consider specific to their chosen gender. From about age three, they start to be aware of the gender of others, mostly in simple concrete terms (a boy or a girl).

Racial and Cultural Identity

Racial identity starts emerging from around 2years as well, children start noticing differences in skin tone, hair, language etc. From around ages three and four, children are able to identify people according to physical characteristics like race, but they do not hold any rigid ‘rules’ concerning these identities however it is at this point that they start to absorb and respond to stereotypes about race, gender, culture etc. Through their experiences at school, in public spaces and the media for example, children are exposed to many messages about race and culture – one example in the South African context is about the school policies on hair which has taken center stage in the last few years where children of African descent feel discriminated. Parents can help their children build a positive sense of self by affirming their strengths and their beauty and the beauty in diversity.

Social Identity

Social identity can be defined as an individual’s knowledge of belonging or a perceived membership to certain relevant social groups. These can be church, school, race, language, place etc. This identity starts emerging from around three years and will strengthen as the child gets older.

The Importance of a Positive Self-identity from Early Childhood

•  A positive self-identity is correlated with higher self-efficacy.
•  A failure to establish a self-identity leads to role confusion (identity crisis) and a weak sense of self later in life.
•  Deliberately nurturing a positive self- identity means you are aiding a healthy identity development for your child.
•  A positive self-identity is linked to the development of resilience.
•  Ultimately it is the total of all our life experiences from early childhood to
• adulthood that has an influence on our self-identity.

•  How we identify ourselves affects how we feel about ourselves and how we interact with others and the world around us.
•  A positive self-identity can boost our physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being. On the other hand, a negative self-identity can decrease our life satisfaction and ability to function optimally and being the best version of ourselves.
•  A positive self-identity helps one recognize their own mental assets and potentials while being realistic about their limitations. On the other hand a person with a negative self-identity focuses on their faults and weaknesses and they distort or exaggerate their failures and imperfections.
•  Children are continually taking in information and evaluating themselves in several areas, such as physical appearance, performance, and relationships. Sometimes the information is negative (‘your skin color/tone is ugly’) and this is very damaging to the self-identity and this where a positive self-identity acts as a buffer and it even goes beyond, where an individual is able to be authentically themselves unapologetically.
•  As much as self-identity involves intrinsic traits, the environment contributes a larger part meaning self-identity is mostly a product of learning. Early childhood influences, from our parents, caregivers, friends, teachers etc. have a major influence on our self-identity. Our relationships and experiences reflect back to us an image of ourselves or shape what we become or not want to become.
•  One’s self-identity determines their self-worth.
•  A positive self-identity leads to individuation, a process through which you develop a unique self that is capable of making decisions, solve problems, being articulate and self-aware. The process of individuation begins in childhood.
•  A positive self-identity promotes strong ties to one’s values, beliefs and principles. A good example is a child who will stand up to protect another child from a bully by reporting it to a teacher for example because they believe it is wrong. Things to do to Help Develop a Positive Self-identity

•  Listen to your child in conversations, there is are higher probability of picking up what they think about themselves and others and use these to guide you in helping them.
•  Reinforce positive qualities that way you ensure their continuation.
•  Help your child define personal goals and objectives that are reasonable and measurable.
•  Confront thinking distortions as they appear in speech and correct them by providing information or support. An example is a child who thinks they will never be good enough simply because they faced a few failures.
•  Identify and explore the impact of messages or information from the environment like the media and correct stereotypes and wrong information.
•  Refrain from comparing them to others.
•  Highlight and develop their strengths while working on their weaknesses and help them to understand that it’s Ok to have weaknesses – we cannot master everything.
•  Teach them self-love – you cannot love others authentically if you do not know how to love yourself.
•  Give positive affirmations.
•  Highlight their uniqueness.
•  Take note of past achievements and use them as motivation.
•  Be mindful of the language you use to describe your children – they internalize it and use it to
• build their self-identity.

•  Provide them with opportunities for success. Give your child age-appropriate tasks that they can complete on their own. This will help in the process of individuation.
•  Show your children that you have faith in their goodness and in their abilities even in the most difficult of situations. It is easy to shout at them out of frustration as a parent (I know this all too well as a parent of a toddler) and call them ‘naughty’ or ‘mean’ for having done something bad but try to address the situation by redirecting them to better ways of dealing with the situation. An example: instead of labelling them as ‘naughty’ you can address their frustration and offer better ways of expressing it.
•  Spend time together – A vital part of having a positive self-identity is feeling loved and valued.
•  Support your child’s interests. Learn what your child is interested in and support them in mastering that skill or accomplishing the desired level of achievement. Feeling competent and good at something grows a positive self-identity.
•  Set reasonable rules and enforce them with lovingkindness. Rules should be age-appropriate and not hinder personal growth and individuation. It’s important to make sure your child knows that mistakes and consequences are a part of life and that doesn’t mean their mistakes defines them.
•  Guide them to solve their own problems – When children learn to solve their own problems, they build confidence and, therefore, a positive self-identity.
•  Help them to be in tune with their emotions and how to respond to them and manage them. Learning to manage emotions is key to having the ability to step back from a situation and view it objectively.
•  Maintain a warm and connected relationship with your child that keeps the lines of communication open. That way they are able to openly engage you on matters that affects the development of their self-identity like bullying at school. A child should trust that their parent/s will do something about what concerns them and in the process they will learn to not just be victims but active participants in their own life.
•  Nurture curiosity and imagination – For younger children engage in make-believe play activities, children are curious and imaginative, and we must be careful not to squash those traits.
•  Acknowledge effort and offer encouragement. Children need to know that first place isn’t the goal, but that personal best is a win, no matter what place that lands them even if there is no trophy in the end.

“In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.” –Erik Erikson

Talent Adamson Behaviour Therapist BA (Health and Social Services) Applied Psychology, BA Hon (HSS) Psychological Counselling – (UNISA)