It is a well-known and researched fact that life experiences in childhood like divorce of parents, the death of a loved one, abuse etc. are linked to the development of some mental disorders in childhood and sometimes even much later on in adulthood. However some children even after experiencing the same experiences do not develop any mental disorders both in childhood and in later life. The difference is simple, it is called resilience.

At some point in life we all experience some kind of adversity or more in life either on a personal level or as a shared experience with the community for example, a war, natural disasters and of course we are currently experiencing the COVID-19 global pandemic that has changed our reality with far reaching effects in our personal lives. We have to learn to cope with and work through these challenging life experiences and sadly even our little bundles of joy are not spared from adversities. How do we help the little people to cope? Why is resilience important in childhood? Because children are not spared from experiencing adversities and how they respond to them help in building resilience over time that they will need over the life span.

What is resilience?

Resilience is typically defined as the capacity to recover from difficult life events.

It is a person’s ability to withstand life’s challenges and bounce back and grow despite it all.

Some people equate resilience with mental toughness, the ability to demonstrate mental strength and be able to work through emotional pain and suffering.

Resilience can further be classified as: Emotional resilience – This is all about tapping into realistic optimism amidst a crisis. Emotional resilience is connected to emotional intelligence, emotional awareness, perseverance and acceptance. Emotional resilient individuals are capable of accepting adversities with flexibility with a positive attitude. There are aware of their current difficulties but believe it is not permanent and that better times will come. Emotional resilience is all about finding more positive things that outweigh the negatives in an otherwise grim circumstance.

Physical resilience – refers to the body’s ability to not only withstand physical challenges but to arise to physical challenges and maintain stamina, and recover efficiently and effectively when damaged. Individuals do not experience the same ailment the same way. Others have experienced gross physical abuse but still managed to get out of it, others have gone through hunger of not eating for days on end but still their bodies endure it all. This is one of the most difficult type to master but still attainable.

Social / Community resilience – is the ability of communities or groups of people to respond to and recover from shared challenges like natural disasters and economic hardship. Social resilience is attained through connecting with others socially and goes beyond just sharing lived experiences but also sharing coping mechanisms and solutions. It is found in various groupings like amongst friends, workmates, church fellowship or in sharing a physical community/place. Social resilience is built on trust, diversity, tolerance and respect. It is about pooling together resources to help each other through challenges.

Mental resilience – This is about flexibility in thinking, being able to weigh your options and considering alternatives. Mentally resilient individuals are able to conceptualize things step-by-step to reach a goal and are willing to try different options. They are able to see different perspectives and use that ability as a tool to creatively solve a problem.

How Do We Nurture Resilience In Children?

Unfortunately resilience is not a static trait so building resilience is a deliberate process of parents and caregivers helping children to manage stress and feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. It is also about how we respond to our own personal problems that they learn how to respond to their own. Also keep in mind that developing resilience is a personal journey, you can only use your knowledge of your own children to guide them on their journey. Building resilience techniques that work for you as the parent or for one child might not work for your other child – so get to know your child.

Preschool children

Very often we think of young children as incapable of making sense of situations and we put down their only problems as just simply mastering the basic skills of survival like walking, talking and feeding themselves etc. As much as they may not be able to express their anxieties and fears, they share in our experiences of adversities and they are affected much more than we can see and sometimes the effects are lifelong. Although we may think they are too young to understand what is happening, young children learn by observing and imitating the people around them. They are

very capable of absorbing information from conversations, body language, the things they see like physical abuse of a parent etc. and this further maps their worldview and how they in turn respond to situations.

In this group watch out for:

•  Signs of general fear and sadness even though they may not be able to express these in words.
•  Being overly clingy or needy; wanting to be constantly held, very irritable, constantly crying or needing more hugs than usual.

•  Resurfacing of old habits (regression) after they had outgrown the behavior like bedwetting, thumb sucking etc. They may be feeling the pressure of what is going on in the world around them.
•  Change in sleep patterns – start having night terrors for example.
•  Specific fear of places (like crèche etc.), specific fear of persons, activities etc. Help them to cope:

•  Children learn in play so use it as a tool to help your children to better express their feelings and encourage them to communicate the best way possible to them e.g. pretend play can be used to express what they may not be able to put into words.
•  At this age attachment is equals to security, comfort, love and stability to children so make use of family time with your children and wrap them up in family closeness – be physically present as often as possible. Make sure your children have lots of family time – sometimes just being home with them is all they really need. During times of stress and change, spend even more time with them playing games, reading to them, or just holding them close.
•  Talk to them in a loving and reassuring tone especially when they are irritable. Primary school children Primary school presents children with a place to form new friendships and participate in new activities as they become their own person. It also presents with its own adversities like bullying, overwhelming school work, personal identity issues to name a few. As they start to study subjects about the world and their knowledge broadens they get really inquisitive and look for activities that feed their curiosity. Parents as well as teachers should become safety nets for them to feel safe as this phase can get really overwhelming. Make sure your child’s school is a safe environment where they can feel secure and get the necessary support from teachers that understand. This is a very important phase, in fact, the foundation of all future learning. In this group watch out for:

•  Maladaptive behavior(s) that includes random outbursts in situations that do not otherwise warrant such a response.
•  Generalized sadness.
•  Withdrawal from activities that used to bring excitement.
•  Feeling lonely – wanting to spend more time cooped up in their own room or space.
•  Avoidance of situations, places and persons.
•  Unexplained Crying.
•  Bedwetting
•  Change in sleep patterns – start having nightmares or lack of sleep.
•  Generalized fear.
•  Constant complains of ailments e.g. headaches, tummy aches, tiredness etc. Help them to cope:

Talk to your children – make sure they know you are always available for a chat about anything and everything in a space that is filled with so much love and concern. When they have questions, answer them as honestly as you can and with reassurance that includes letting them know you are taking action to keep them safe and are there to take care of them.

•  Listen to their concerns and fears when they address them with you and let them know they are valid and that you are there for them to help them navigate whatever situation.
•  When there is a situation outside of the home that is frightening for example this COVID-19 pandemic, try to limit the amount of news your children are exposed to. There is always the possibility of misinterpretation and fueling more fear. There’s no need to hide what is happening in the world from them (they will hear it from somewhere like from friends at school) but rather control what they are exposed to in a way that they understand and obviously help them to cope – you know them better and they trust you.
•  Reinforce empathy for others it helps to see a situation from a different perspective and takes the problem ‘out there’ rather than make it ‘personal’ – when it is ‘out there’ it is easier to deal with and devise solutions or coping mechanisms. Also children will learn that others also go through struggles; so if they are feeling helpless they may be able to feel empowered by helping others. Engage your child in age-appropriate activities to help others like giving food, give away their toys and old clothes to others in need.
•  Communicate about your own feelings during times of extraordinary stress – do not underestimate their level of understanding but at the same time bring it down to their level (spare them the gory details) and share your coping mechanism (remember they learn a lot about life from how you live yours).
•  Teach basic self-care, like the importance of making time to eat properly, exercise, and get sufficient sleep. Making time for your child to have fun and connect with peers, and participate in activities they enjoy. Caring for oneself and even having fun will help children stay balanced and better deal with stressful times.
•  Establishing goals will help children focus on a specific task and can help build the resilience to move forward in the face of challenges – you do not have to take care of a challenge all at once. At school, educators can break down large assignments into smaller, achievable goals that are not overwhelming.
•  Primary school years are the beginning of self-growth and self-discovery as a parent nurture a positive self-view in your child. They will have accomplishments, they will make mistakes and they will face hardships – teach them to trust themselves to solve problems and make appropriate decisions. Look for opportunities for self-discovery – it is mostly in tough times that we learn the most about ourselves.
•  Teach them to accept change, people change, situations change etc. and it is all part of life that way they learn to accept change. The 7 Cs resilience model It was developed by pediatrician Dr. Ken Ginsberg to assist children and adolescents build resilience. He argues that learning competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control is how we can build inner strength and utilize outside resources — regardless of age.

1. Competence – The ability to know how to handle situations effectively. To build competence, individuals develop a set of skills to help them trust their judgments and make responsible choices.
2. Confidence – Dr. Ginsberg believes that true self-confidence is rooted in competence. Individuals gain confidence by demonstrating competence.
3. Connection – Close family ties, friends, and community provide a sense of security and belonging and a very useful resource(s) in a time of crisis.
4. Character – Parents are able to nurture a ‘strong character’ in their children and as a result a child will experience a strong sense of self-worth and confidence. They are in touch with their values and are comfortable sticking to them. They can demonstrate a caring attitude towards others and have a strong sense of right and wrong and are prepared to make wise choices.
5. Contribution – Ginsburg says that having a sense of purpose is a powerful motivator. Contributing to one’s community reinforces positive reciprocal relationships. Create opportunities for children to contribute something whether in the family or community.
6. Coping – When people learn to cope with stress effectively, they are better prepared to handle adversity and setbacks.
7. Control – Developing an understanding of internal control helps individuals act as problem- solvers instead of victims of circumstance. When individuals learn that they can control the outcomes of their decisions, they are more likely to view themselves as capable and confident.

After all is said and done if your child seems stuck up or overwhelmed by a situation, you may want to consider professional help from a psychologist or other mental health professionals. This forms part of the connection mentioned by Ginsberg – it is ok to seek help outside of the family, sometimes it is the help of someone else who is not affected by the situation that will provide guidance that may help your child strengthen resilience and persevere during times of distress.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – Carl Jung

Talent Adamson Behaviour Therapist

BA (Health and Social Services) Applied Psychology, BA Hon (HSS) Psychological Counselling – (UNISA)